Fairytales or Falsehood –25th August 2011

Welcome to another week of gripes and giggles at Talk About Town. Firstly I would like to say thanks for the fantastic response, especially to those who have taken the time to send an email or post a comment. It would seem we already have an international audience, so aside from our local readers. Big thanks to all those tuning in from Japan, Malaysia, France Germany and Italy. 

So here we are again. For those of you who don’t know me, right or wrong….I am handling this break-up very differently to any other before it. In the past I have always been of the strong belief that no matter what the circumstances, you hold your head high and walk away with absolute dignity and integrity. No angry tantrums, No fits of sobbing hysteria or declarations of vengeance and certainly no desperate clinging to a relationship that is clearly dead. Although you may discuss certain details and conduct a post-mortem on the relationship with your besties, it is not the all and end all, nor the constant or only topic that you are able to discuss. After all….if nothing else you know that you have kept your principles, been proud and honourable, even if the other party has been less scrupulous.

Since my last post I have been pondering the extreme actions of posting such scathing comments about the most recent ex in my last blog. How and why has it come to this? I am not sure whether it is the bi-product of remaining so composed after a lifetime of break-ups, or constantly stuffing down all those emotions for so many years and being in denial that they ever existed. Possibly both? However, one thing is for sure…the cat is certainly out of the bag this time and it feels liberating. I am sick and tired of being so composed, of always taking the high road, constantly turning the other cheek and I am especially fed up with always being nice…to a fault. It is exhausting. So let me just say….”Toto we are not in Kansas anymore.”

So those of you who have read my previous blog, would be aware of the scoundrel referred to as Mr Magoo and of some of his disgusting comments and antics that led to our ultimate demise. Previously I have never been one to get angry, probably even when it was warranted, but I am angry this time. It is about far more than the fact that this man has lied and cheated or spewed forth the most vile inappropriate comments. It is the deliberate malicious behaviour that has been so shockingly appalling. This man has done his best to intentionally rob me of my dignity, my self-esteem and even endeavoured to create rifts between myself and those most important to me.  However the greatest travesty is that he has stolen my faith in the goodness of people…men in particular. Tragically, I am afraid he has taken away my ability to hope, to believe in anything and certainly not the possibility of the fairytale. Although this was not always the case. 

I remember growing up; I spent a great deal of time with my grandmother who was very influential in my life. She was a wonderfully kind and generous woman who did everything she could to protect me from the ugliness and the truth that sometimes life is harsh, difficult and simply not pleasant. Even though in reality I experienced some genuine hardships in my youth and throughout my life, she was largely successful in that, even in the face of tragedy I stood proudly wearing my rose coloured glasses and maintained a slightly skewed perspective of the real world. We would spend endless hours watching all the old classic romantic films, musicals in particular. The premise was always the same….the guy invariably got his girl and he was without doubt the essence of charm and chivalry. If by some chance he did have an un-savoury moment it was fleeting and of course he would be immediately repentant and swear un-dying love, then they would all live happily ever after. Essentially the ideal of romance was romanticised beyond all limitations of reality or truth….but gee, it gave us all something lovely to believe in. As a consequence, I went beyond the realms of the usual eternal optimist, to become a pathological optimist. I spent many years chasing “The Fairytale” and waiting for prince charming to sweep me off my feet and rescue me, rather than rescuing myself. It never happened, clearly he never came and in his place I spent my days locked in an emotional dungeon fighting dragons and plagued with demons.  

Historically, many ‘fairytales’ are adult stories of folk tales based on the tragic reality of real life, which have then been idealised, romanticised and told to warn children of the hazards that exist. These stories have been deliberately laden with massive amounts of symbolism and more than a touch of the adventurous in order to help us in our innocent youth to develop an increased awareness of the world around us and our response to it, without the trauma of reality. However, over time I am sure the stories have lost a large element of the reality they initially held, along with some truths… because as we all know, in actuality they did not all have the happy ending that we have all come to expect. So do any of us actually want to know the truth of the whole story, or do we feel that we are better off embracing blind faith and believing in these elaborate fairytales? Pause…reflect…I think that many of us are unaware of the extent these fables have shaped our lives and the enormous influence they had on the developing identities of our youth. 

They say…you have to believe in love to receive love…but didn’t we believe before we had ours hearts smashed to smithereens? Is it just a matter of time before we can find the right someone to believe in? Do we just need to be patient and wait for our hearts to catch up with our heads? Or are we just deluding ourselves? Does it ever get better than this? Are there really any good men out there, or is it always just a case of smoke and mirrors? Well its not my place to answer these questions for you…I can only make inquiry and continue on my quest to seek the truth and invite you to join me.

Lets break it down shall we….in my situation, the scoundrel aka Mr Magoo does not have great wealth, nor dashing good looks, he does not ride around on a great steed, but more like an old pony that should have been put out to pasture. He certainly does not wield great power and the size of his castle (if you know what I mean) does not even rate a mention. His kingdom is in a time of great ruin, his subjects are few (zero friends) and his enemies are many. So what was the allure…? Well let me think…hang on…thinking…thinking… give me a minute…I am sure I can come up with something…oh oh I know, his court jester was somewhat amusing…other than that I got nothin’. So how is it a perfectly decent, intelligent, educated, good-looking woman like myself fell for a hobbit? I mean really…how is it I got sucked in to the whole, “take a bite of the poison apple” routine? How? Well ladies…my guess is as good as yours, but I assume I fell for the fairytale, as much as I fell for the man. After all…we all know if you kiss enough frogs, one of them is bound to turn into Prince Charming and I guess I thought Mr Magoo just may have been that prince in frogs clothing. Go figure? 

Anyway…I have personally realised something very important. I don’t need him; I don’t need any man. I can walk proudly with head held high, although with a little more attitude and maybe a tad more vocal than before, but proud just the same. The more time passes, the more I can see clearly… and as it turns out, I have recognised that even if Mr Magoo hadn’t been a lying, cheating, immoral scoundrel…we probably would not have worked. Magoo was always a bit of a lad and I don’t generally do lads…aside from the fact that, upon reflection he is not terribly smart and I am far too cultured, or educated for this Pratt. Therefore his ability to have managed to maintain my interest or affections in the long term would have been unlikely. Well you know what they say…all good things must eventually come to an end, some sooner than later. It is even possible that if we are willing to acknowledge the reality of things, we may realise some things were actually never particularly good at all, which is why you broke up in the first place. Acknowledging this reality and others is not only liberating, but can be freeing and does make it easier to let go and move on to greener pastures, or get a place with a courtyard.  Inevitably I think it is time to find our way out of the love-haze, this fairytale induced state, take off those rose-coloured-glasses and really see the truth of matters clearly. “Life is not all fluff and bubble, nor is romance all hearts and flowers.” Love…like life is hard sometimes and there is a sinister side that hides in the shadows…we do not always recognise, nor want to acknowledge it exists and try to disguise the ugliness with stories of mystery and wonderment, but who are we really cheating. 

So ladies lets face it…there is a darker side to our once loved fairytales, good does not always triumph over evil, and the tragedy is that decent people, who don’t deserve it, get hurt. However, maybe…just maybe…if we stop walking around with our eyes closed…it is possible we will stop bumping into things. Hmmm…Just a thought! We also have to realise there is not always going to be a happy ever after, especially if we are going to sit around waiting for Prince Charming to rescue us and it is more than likely he does not exist at all. Even if we give benefit-of-doubt and by chance there are some decent men out there. I can almost guarantee, that in reality they are certainly not interested in sweeping you off your feet as men are generally lazy when it comes to romance and it is usually just a means to an end…if you know what I mean. And as we have come to expect, they almost always think everything is about the size of their kingdom. 

However, I can assure you that they will depend on your kindness, your goodness, your utter dislike of possible shame and embarrassment, relying on you desire to keep yours and their secrets firmly locked behind closed doors. (Usually in an un-reachable tower guarded by dragons.) If you are too afraid or humiliated to speak the real truths, or too gracious to assassinate their characters by telling the truth, then they continue to get away with repeating the same behaviour over time and again. Well ladies…not on our watch…not any more. So I am calling all women to come together and share your stories…their stories so that they are held accountable, we become a little wiser and the next woman whose path they cross is more aware than we were of their treacherous behaviour. Don’t let them get away with this disgraceful conduct, lets make a stand and create new fairytales, stories of empowerment that we can hand down to generations of women to come. Let us become our very own best supports, our own heroes, and our own saviours. Let us stop waiting around for a man to complete us…we are already whole and more than capable of rescuing ourselves. So ladies…rather than someone else taking the rains and deciding our destination…let each of us mount our very own valiant steed and ride off into the wild blue yonder. Taking comfort in the knowledge that even when in unfamiliar territory we will be all right because now we are in charge of our own destiny.  

And remember keep reading it’s cheaper than therapy. 

Until Then, With Love Always, Danae

General House-Keeping - Stay Tuned - 23rd August 2011

It appears there have been some issues with some readers not being able to post a comment on the blog. I am looking into this and it appears it could have been a technical glitch. All settings have been checked and are set for anyone to be able to comment, although they do have to pass through a moderation process first J Just remember that you must select a profile such as your username or anonymous etc. Although it does seem to have been sorted. Additionally I realise I have committed to weekly posts, but the last two weeks have been chaotic. Unfortunately life is often something that happens whilst we make other plans, including sick children and uni deadlines which have a way of sucking up a great deal of time. Anyway big apologies for the great delay on those who have mentioned they are eagerly awaiting the next post. The next post will be tomorrow and then there will be another on either Friday or Saturday. So two this week, but we should be on track from there on in for every Friday. Fingers crossed.

Until Then....With Love Always, Danae

Are There Really Any Good Men Out There?

Well….I guess it makes sense to start with an introduction. I am known to a couple of special little people as mother, I am daughter, sister and maybe...one day…hopefully once again lover and life partner. To some I am known as dear friend, to others a fellow student of the arts, but generally I am known to many as Danae. However, let me not forget that to a special few (You know who you are), I am known as little Ms Charming, the irreverent and fabulous Charlie Davenport entertainer and performer extraordinaire.

So let me preface by saying I am a women of the arts and extremely passionate about all forms thereof, including the art of expression of which we will get back too later. Originally from a performance background (both acting and singing) I have moved into the visual arts and it would seem the written word. Additionally, dare I say it…. Modelling (which is an art in itself let me tell you), but that was way back in the day… BC (before children) and is a story for another time.

So….here I sit with a glass of wine listening to the wonderful and ever so sexy Mr Michael Bubble’ whilst contemplating where to begin. Perhaps I should share with you all, how the idea for this blog evolved. For some time (years in-fact) I have wanted to right a book titled "Are There Really Any Good Men Out There – And If So, Who Is Brave Enough To Find Them". (And, Yes it is already copyrighted). So….moving on, the premise for the book is about the real life escapades of real women, one in particular….the amazing Charlie Davenport armed with nothing but her wit and charm. A can of mace and maybe a little stock whip for those moments when she needs to exert a little bit of force. Imagine….Lara Croft mixed with a decent measure of moral fortitude from a character such Polly-Anna (Think….Charlotte from Sex in the City), who cooks like Martha Stewart, Sings like Ella Fitgerald and as a definite artistic flair for getting to the nitty gritty.

Anyway, the idea was shelved for a couple of years because I actually (foolishly) thought I had found the one with whom I wanted to share my life. Slowly, slowly at first…until he pushed and insisted we become exclusive because he couldn’t bare the idea of me being with anyone else. Time passed and I found myself truly in the love haze where you lose all perspective of reality and actually believe the lines he feeds you even when you have an inkling that things don’t quite seem right. He introduced me to his parents and his children from a previous marriage of 15years. Even though he is not what you would call particularly good looking, quite average in fact, he seemed kind and thoughtful (at first) and I thought….wow…he even knows how to commit. Joyfully, he told me he felt the same, that he wanted to make plans with me to build a life together and that one-day when the timing was right we would be married. (Alarm bells should have been ringing here.) So as time passed we began to make plans to merge our lives together. He began to move his things over to my place and was almost ready to move in permanently….until sadly I discovered that he was not just whispering sweet nothings in my ear but to others also, along with so generously sharing himself in the biblical sense. What a man!

For the sake of this blog…let us call this scoundrel…Mr Magoo. Those of you who know me personally will realise just how truly funny that is, those who don’t, please google this cartoon character and prepare to laugh your arse off. Now the irony of this situation is that as previously mentioned, this man is not particularly good-looking, he is a six-foot tall balding man in his forties (although he appears to look more like a man in his fifties) with a very weathered face and big nose. Although his shoulders are reasonably broad, his chest is somewhat sunken in with a pot-belly, skinny (and I mean skinny) chicken legs that walk like Charlie Chaplin and cannot dance to save themselves (especially the shuffle which he thinks he has mastered). And you should see him run, now that is funny. I think it must have something to do with his incredibly saggy-ball-bag, I mean seriously you have never seen anything like it. Really, it’s a wonder he can walk at all with that thing banging between his knees. Now if that’s not enough to put you off, he is an absolute financial fff….failure, he has absolutely no financial security and nothing to offer.

Come on, I know what your thinking…..If this is the case, what did you see in him? Well in the beginning he was charming and witty with a great sense of humour and he made me laugh, really laugh. He seemed genuine, kind, attentive and nurturing. And so I looked past his shortcomings (of which there are many, one in particular) and embraced what I believed were the more important assets. However it seems it was all smoke and mirrors and I was actually just caught up in his web of deceit. Curiously he constantly insisted our relationship be built on absolute honesty and transparency of which I was the only one fulfilling. Tragically it has taken me two years to be aware of these facts. Many of which I am discovering post break-up.

Now don’t get me wrong I am not perfect by any means, I have my share of idiosyncrasies, as after all I am only human. However, all flaws aside, I am a darn good catch. I am an attractive, sensual well dressed woman with great hair, good skin, killer curves and even if I do have a little junk in the trunk, I am evenly proportioned. I am intelligent, cultured, educated, funny, kind, generous to a fault and more importantly I am truly a good person. Apparently, Mr Magoo aka cheating bastard, has even told the psychologist he is seeing for anger issues (more alarm bells), that I am his one true love. He further mentioned that he has never felt so much for any other woman before, that he has never enjoyed such a fulfilling and enjoyable sex life and he has never felt he could be himself with anyone else the way he can with me.

So please tell me why he would be so willing to throw all this away on a few meaningless flings. Was there ever any truth to the things we shared or was it all just a very cruel lie? Well, I cannot say for sure (although I have a pretty good idea), but I can tell you he was (and still is no doubt) pathetically insecure. He needed constant reassurance, to the point I had to regularly assure him after sex how incredible his Johnson was, how he had the perfect head / shaft ratio and of course how big it was. Now girls….I don’t have to tell you, you all know how at times we have had to embellish the truth to sooth "their" fragile egos. It’s always about them, even when it’s about us. Yes, it becomes somewhat tiresome (yawn), but something we do for the person we love. When I asked him why he did it (cheat that is), he said it was because it made him feel good to think someone other than me desired him. But I say….am I not enough? Apparently not!

In his deluded fantasy he believes he deserves to be with someone who is tall, leggy and of course modelesque (to use his words) and not over the age of 25years. Did I mention he is 43? Hmmm, I wonder if he has looked in the mirror lately? Yes….you guessed it, of course he has, he is a narccasist and is always looking at any shiny surface he can find that gives him a reflection. (Maybe that’s what gives him a false sense of reality.) Isnt there some type of mental disorder where people need to see a distorted image to feel normal? I am sure there is, please Google it and let me know. Anyway, he told me if I would lose a few kilos then I would be perfect and he would not need to stray. (Way to go with owning that behaviour.) At this point, may I mention that I am exactly the same weight now as the day we met….kilo for kilo, yet at that stage when I was the new toy all shiny bright and new, it did not seem to matter. May I further mention that I am the woman with whom when he kisses her, he has an instantaneous erection, I mean just smelling my perfume used to send him into a tailspin right up to the day we separated. Besides….he proclaimed that I was the love of his life….right? So shouldn’t it be enough that I constantly praised him, that I appreciated him, loved him and told him that he was king in-spite of all of his flaws. I certainly showed that I am not shallow, that I could look past all of his flaws, but can we say the same for the scoundrel? Am I the only one seeing something wrong with this picture?

All things considered thus far, I do not know why I am still confused or struggling with the situation, as I am not the first woman he has betrayed. During his adult life, this man has slept with well over a hundred women of which four of them were long term serious relationships. As he has fondly dubbed us, there was the J girl, the ex-wife, the B Chick and then there was me….the A chick, the Headliner, the love of his life, his beautiful baby doll as he would lovingly call me. Now you should probably know that in each and every one of these relationships he was abusive, cheated and in true serial-monogamy style (ha), he already has his next conquest lined up before he moves on to the next.

So as you would expect, in true form, he has already found the next victim and is apparently parading her around at a sporting venue where I take my son for one of his extra curricular activities. Tacky, tacky tacky! I also have it on good authority that within days of separating he was on the Oasis Internet dating site and also tried to re-connect on Facebook with the ex-girlfriend he dated before me. You will be glad to know she rejected his request. Let me mention as he was pursuing these options, he was sending me flowers, telling me he still loves me, misses me and asking if I will wait for him if there is a chance at reconciliation once he gets the appropriate therapy. All I can say is "Seriously"? Mr Magoo aka Mr Saggy-Baggy Ballbag and his ability to hop from the bed of one woman to the next in such record speed is not only concerning, but hurtful. It leaves each one of his conquests, especially his ex’s feeling somewhat obsolete, unimportant and as though none of us were ever really special or actually meant anything to him, regardless of whether we were the one to call it quits. Although I guess it really should come as no surprise, as we have already established the fact that he is a cheat and a liar.

But I shouldn’t complain, I got out of it unscathed compared to the ex-wife with whom well over 67 of his flings, were while he was married to her. This included one of her best friends on one New Years Eve while the wife was in the other room, a homosexual liaison and a prostitute with whom he slept with in their marital bed while she was out. Then during the time when he went back to study there was an affair with a Maori girl who was smart enough to flee back to NZ after 6 months, along with threesomes with fellow students when he was meant to be at study group. Oh and lets not forget the Lecturer he slept with so he could get her to write his academic papers for his other subjects.

So I got to thinking…how does he do it? How does he manage to seduce these (other) women into having affair with him, believing that investing in him is worth throwing their moral convictions to the wind for a cheap….very average thrill. Come on ladies aren’t we supposed to stick together. Are we not supposed to band together to abolish this type of appalling behaviour. But then again…Lets face it….if these men really want to cheat they will, no doubt and of course they will lie to get what they want. But what about these women that willingly allow these fiendish creatures to lead them off to the devils lair knowing that the man in question is married or seriously involved? There can be no winners here, it can never end well. And…In my opinion it is important to remember that past behaviour is a very good indicator of future behaviour.

Now, if all of that is not enough, during one of his recent angry rants with me since our break-up, he announced he was such a stud that he can have any one he wants. This was followed by a disclosure there had also been a 15year old girl that he had slept with during his marriage when he was 29 years old. He announced this proudly as though I should be impressed, rather than disgusted that he had clearly taken advantage of a young vulnerable child. Hmmm I believe that is a crime. But again he does not own it and blames the innocent, as apparently she seduced him. Now here is the clincher. When he didn’t get the reaction expected from me, he proceeded to tell me that every time we had sex for the last two years, he had fantasised he was having sex with my 15 year old daughter (who is now 17). "When I was fucking you, I was actually fucking her." – end quote. Wow…whether he was being truthful, or hurtful is irrelevant, as to even suggest such a thing makes you a freak in my book. Can you imagine, how I was sick to my stomach. So not only is this man a cheat, a liar, a philanderer, and a perpetrator, I would also say he is clearly a paedophile.

It is here, that I should probably also mention that I have spoken with the B Chick (ex before me) since my break-up with the Pratt. Only to discover that he had tried to drown her and broke her nose because she mildly acted out after discovering he had cheated on her, again. (Insert here - audible sighs and gasps of shock and horror.) There were other also other multiple situations where he physically and emotionally hurt and humiliated her to confirm he was the one in power and control. (Girlfriend, I am genuinely here if you ever decide you need to talk.) Anyway, do we see a pattern emerging yet. "Hmmm….I wonder she says as she raises an eyebrow." Clearly these are all details I wish had been revealed much earlier in the relationship and well before we became involved. So ladies, I have a thought…Maybe we should start asking for resumes which include a police check, full medical with a list of referees to check details of previous dating behaviour prior to engaging in a relationship. (Let me know what you think.)

Therefore, I ask you ladies, "Are there really any good men out there and who is brave enough to find them knowing what we know?" At the end of the day is it really worth any of us playing our hand when we so often know how it ends, or would we be better then to hold our cards a little closer or decide to not play at all? Then again, "I ask you to consider, even though they have broken our trust, beaten our egos and shaken our faith…If we allow them to also steal our hope, then have they not won?" So do we not pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, take a deep breath knowing we are a little wiser and move bravely into a future….not defined by them, but shaped by us?

So to all my ladies out there please come with me on this journey. Lets find the answers to those nagging and awkward questions together and make our mark and who knows in our travels we just may find a man worth taking the risk with again. Please join me again every Friday for some more saucy tit-bits, shocking truths and heart-breaking revelations and the real-life support that only another woman knows how to give. Who knows we just may have something to talk about. And if by chance…there are any brave or honourable men out there willing to trade insider information, then also feel free to join us.

Until then…With Love Always Danae