- Danae Thyssen
- Self Portrait: "You are my Dark Clouds" I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR! I am daughter, I am mother, I am friend, I am teacher, I am student, but still I am more. I am loyal, I am kind, I am loving, I am smart, I am funny, I am wise, I am no mans fool...so beware. I am also creative, I am a visual arts student majoring in photography and passionate about anything related to the arts, whether it be performing arts, visual arts or great literaty works. I am passionate about pursuing a cultured life with youthful enthusiasm, that can be shared with good friends and family over a nice meal with a glass of wine. And of course...I like to chat, so please join me here every week to explore lifes little mysteries together.
Friday, 30 September 2011
Tired of the Game
Before we get started today, I would like to clarify a couple of things. Now although I have had a bit of a gripe about Mr Magoo and admit my last couple of exes have been from the most un-savoury variety and the relationships themselves have sunk to the most tragic proportions, I have had some beautiful love affairs. (For the record: when I say love affairs….I mean romances, not affairs of the married kind.) These relationships were based on respect, honesty and good communication, however unfortunately bad timing was the ultimate decider. In fact with a couple of exceptions I am still in touch with most man I have dated over the years and a couple of them still play golf with my step-father. Even so, after two such disastrous relationships, it does have one question whether it is worth risking heartache and disappointment again, or whether the better option is flying solo. Obviously if it is decided we’re ready to move ahead towards romance, then it is imperative that first we have dealt with the demons of the past, before we can even contemplate to begin to move forward into a healthy, loving relationship. However, for me personally, at this stage I am clearly not ready.
However, when ready (If ever) I will not settle for anything other than a real man who knows what he wants and is not only aware of what constitutes as a real commitment, but is not afraid of the prospect and actually knows how to follow through. A man who can walk the walk, not just talk the talk. A man who is not afraid of a woman who knows what she wants and is willing to treat her with absolute respect, like a goddess, a queen. The kind of man I am interested in, does not want to change me or control me, but rather celebrates a woman who has her own opinions and that will challenge him. In my opinion it is perfectly reasonable to know what we want and make any prospects aware of this fact. In fact it is a necessity, along with alerting a man to what behaviour does not match our needs or expectations. Essentially I am only interested in being in a relationship were I can be honest and upfront about who I am and what I want without a man feeling intimidated, in short…I want a mature man who is not into game playing, who has his act together and is prepared to deal with his equal. Is that too much to ask?
Consequently, I have discovered something rather interesting if not completely frustrating, but none the less eye opening. It would seem the less interested I am in pursuing romance at this point in time, the more offers and invitations I have received coming at me left right and centre from a variety of different men, all pursuing me like dogs on heat. The more I object, the more fervent they are in their pursual of the unattainable. Unbelievable! Curiously, I have quite a few single girlfriends who would very much relish the attention I have been receiving and yet, not even a nibble. What I find even more peculiar (and I know you have all experienced this), when a woman is actually interested and willing to be receptive they head for the nearest exit, yet when we have made it clear there is no interest or we are not ready, then they are hot on our heals and will pursue us with the greatest enthusiasm. Seriously, could they be more frustrating.
Hence, I would like to share one of my many recent experiences that will validate my claim. A few weeks back I went out to dinner and then dancing with a friend of mine, upon where I was approached by several gentleman who were rather keen and my response was always the same….“Being a friendly, sociable girl, I am happy to have a drink, a dance and even a chat, but if you are looking for anything more you would be better to take your attentions further a-field as I am not interested in anything more.”(End Quote) Almost immediately their interest peaked. Still I made it clear that the room was full of attractive, possibly attainable women of which I was not one. What proceeded was a series of charming negotiations and various methods of bargaining which in some cases sadly stooped to what could only be considered as begging for me to give them a chance. None succeed, in fact I began to feel somewhat irritated by the persistence and clear lack of respect for my position, particularly with one fellow who just would not take the hint and thus I went from being firmly polite to somewhat abrupt. This was my response:
“Let me spell it out for you…even if you were indeed Prince Charming himself…I am not interested. In fact at the moment I would consider most men useful for nothing more than target practice…I would even go so far as to suggest we snap off all of their appendages…dip them in hot wax and use them as tooth-pick holders. Am I making myself clear?” (True Story) Now ladies, I know what your thinking…at this suggestion most men would head for the hills…even this chap who up until now was a little slow on the up-take…but NO. It was at this point he laughed and told me how funny, cute and adorable I was and how attractive and charming he found me…..? I mean really? Is anyone else puzzled? I should also clarify; he was reasonably pleasing to the eye, well dressed and seemed educated and completely sober…although one must question his intelligence. So why could he not get the message? A male friend of mine suggests that in his opinion, he thinks its because I exude such raw sexual energy, however I believe it is because men want what they cant have. They like the idea of reaching the unattainable, its all about the challenge, the chase. So what is it about the chase? Well as we all know, often once they have caught us they lose interest almost immediately because its all just a game to them. Well….I for one have decided not to take part in these types of games or oblige by their rules and I’ve certainly decided no players allowed.
Generally I believe most women suffer with the need to please disease…we are often raised or socialised (consciously and unconsciously) in to believing we must go to every length to be polite, accommodating and that it is our responsibility to nurture and care for others even at the cost of losing ourselves in the process. But I ask as I know most of you have…”What about our needs being met?” For these reasons and many others, I believe we should stop letting them call the shots, or be the entire focus in our lives and start concentrating on ourselves. What makes us happy…what is our purpose…what are our goals, dreams and desires...what are our expectations for the future? In my opinion we need to stop looking to men for the answers or to complete us, or for any validation for that matter. Let us embrace our own inner goddess…If for no other reason, how can we expect others to see our value if we ourselves do not recognize our own worth. Ladies…its time to get focused and be clear on what we expect from our love life and what we want for ourselves in general. Let’s be honest, how do we expect men to take us seriously if we ourselves don’t prioritise our needs.
I for one, do not need a man to complete me…I am already whole, thank you very much and am quite happy to go the distance on my own, rather than settle for less than what I deserve. Accepting anything less than what we truly want or are worthy of, will not only lead to unhappiness, but could attract the wrong relationship or keep us connected to a man who is not a good match and ultimately be disastrous. So ladies… its time to really ask ourselves what it is we really want, long before we get caught up in all the chemistry that has a tendency to obstruct our ability to see clearly. I think it’s time to make a decision that if we are going to move forward with romance then let us also decide never to waste our time or energy with the wrong man again. It is imperative we establish from the get-go if the man in question is real relationship material and not just a guy with nice eyes and a great smile who wants to play games. Personally, I have no interest in investing months or maybe years in a relationship, only to discover that this person is never going to be the right man for me and is just another disaster in the making. As fabulous as it is to experience the fireworks and chemistry in a relationship, it is not enough alone to sustain a real connection in the long term, when possibly all we’ll end up with is the smell of stale smoke and possibly some unnecessary collateral damage.
So Ladies….The Mission, should you choose to accept it….is to find a real man who is capable of going the distance and wont freak out or disappear the moment there’s a bump in the road or when things start to get interesting. If you have ever chosen the wrong man then you will know how important it is that we establish from the onset, if we are a good fit with the man in question and this decision needs to be based on more than chemistry. We need to discover the truth about who these men really are and what they are all about before we open our hearts, share ourselves and it’s too late. Otherwise you could end up with someone like Mr Magoo who at first seemed like a good catch, who appeared to be considerate and fun to talk to, but was ultimately an aggressive, lying jerk in disguise with saggy balls and a wandering eye. We need to be clear on what we want and whether these men value the idea of a committed relationship or are even capable of entering into such an arrangement.
I know its not easy to move on after heartache, to open ourselves up, but if you are wanting a serious committed relationship that has a real future then you need to stop pretending you only want a fun, casual fling. If we want a relationship based on honesty then it starts with us being clear about what we want and setting the parameters in order to attract the right type of people and the right situations into our lives. So how do we know what we want to begin with…well I would suggest taking time to be with ourselves first is key, taking time to reconnect with everything that makes us the unique individuals we already are. For only when we have a truly honest, loving, loyal and committed relationship with ourselves, are we ready to share that with another special someone.
And remember to keep reading as its cheaper than therapy.
Until Then, With Love Always, Danae
Posted by Danae Thyssen at Friday, September 30, 2011